❤️ Learning is love

How Secure Attachments Fuel Lifelong Learning

I’ve been reflecting on the role of love in education. Not the romantic kind, but the deep, secure, and trusting relationships that form the foundation of effective learning. This idea might sound a little “hippy dippy,” but it’s backed by decades of research and practice—and it works.

Recently, I had the privilege of sitting down with my mom, Janet, a former Montessori teacher turned pre-med advisor, to explore this very topic. Our conversation was rich with insights about how love, attachment, and trust shape the way we learn—and how homeschooling can be a powerful vehicle for fostering these connections.

You can listen to the full interview here, but I wanted to share some of the key takeaways in this blog post.

Love as the Foundation of Learning

My mom’s teaching career began with Maria Montessori, whose philosophy emphasizes the role of love and spirit in teaching. Montessori believed that science and spirit are intertwined—that the curiosity driving learning is fueled by love. As my mom put it, “Spirit equals love.”

This idea resonated deeply with me. When children feel loved and secure, they have the emotional safety to explore, take risks, and embrace their natural curiosity. Without that foundation, learning becomes a struggle. As my mom explained, “When you cultivate a secure attachment with a child, it gives them a foundation of safety, which then becomes a container for their natural curiosity.”

Learning is such an intimate and profound process. It can be painful and exalting. At it’s core, it’s personal growth. We all need to feel safe to learn well. And we all need healthy relationships to support us through the deep transformation that entails, whether that’s solving an algebra problem or navigating a disagreement with a friend.

This is why homeschooling can be so transformative. By spending more quality time with their children, families and caregivers develop more secure, trusting relationships with kids. Learning happens inside an environment that isn’t confined to a classroom or a rigid schedule. There’s no artificial split between the “school world” and the “home world.” Instead, learning becomes a seamless, integrated part of life. Families aren’t excluded from part of that world. They’re part of it.

People are always worried about homeschooling and socialization, but they’re missing the point. It’s not hanging out with other 8-year olds that teaches us social skills. It’s actually the secure attachments we develop with our primary caregivers that give us the foundation to effectively navigate every relationship in our life with confidence and understanding.

The Role of Attachment in Education

Attachment theory isn’t just for psychologists—it’s a critical framework for understanding how children learn. Secure attachment provides the emotional safety that allows kids to take intellectual risks. Without it, they may struggle to engage with new ideas or persist through challenges. With it, they gain the confidence to take risks, fail, enjoy the process, try again and grow.

In my interview with Dr. Gordon Neufeld, we discussed the extraordinary power of the bond between parents and children, and how devastating it is when that bond is broken. The attachment you share with your child (or your student, friend’s child, niece or grandchild) can have a bigger impact on their inspiration to learn, confidence and self-motivation than almost anything else. And it’s quite amazing what a tune-up on that relationship can do if motivating is lacking.

When we train tutors, we encourage them to take time to get to know each student and build a relationship with them, to check about how they’re doing at the beginning of each session. Cultivating a relationship changes the entire dynamic of the tutoring session and makes it possible for children to learn more quickly because they feel safe and inspired.

My mom shared a poignant story about a student named Danny, who had several learning disabilities and came from a difficult home environment. After years of struggling, Danny finally wrote an essay—a huge milestone. But when my mom praised him effusively, he crumpled up the paper and ate it.

This moment was a powerful reminder that love in education isn’t about praise or external validation. It’s about creating a space where children feel safe to explore and grow without fear of judgment. As my mom reflected, “Love is about focusing as much on observing the child with silence and attention as it is on directing and managing their learning.”

Homeschooling as a Vehicle for Secure Attachment

One of the most compelling arguments for homeschooling is its ability to nurture secure attachments between children and their primary caregivers. In traditional school settings, children are often assigned to teachers who may or may not connect with them on a deep level. As my mom pointed out, “When a parent enrolls their child in a public school, they’re taking on faith that the teacher will look at their child with unconditional love and see their potential.”

Homeschooling removes that element of chance. Parents can provide a guaranteed loving environment where their child’s unique needs and interests are prioritized. This doesn’t mean homeschooling is easy—it requires patience, flexibility, and a willingness to adapt. But the rewards are profound.

And even if a teacher does care deeply for a student, the time they’re able to spend with the child in the immediate and long-term is severely constrained. In the best situation (a microschool or innovative alternative model), the teacher shares their attention with 10 students over several years. Normally, it’s 30-50 students 1-6 hours a day for one year. It’s a totally different relationship and set of constraints than a child has with their primary caregivers. In homeschooling, children are with their families continuously, have dozens additional mentors and supportive parents in the community to nurture their growth. We say modular learning flips the teacher student ration from 1:30 to 30:1.

The Paradox of Structure and Freedom

Our conversation also touched on the delicate balance between structure and freedom in education. My mom recalled how I struggled in an alternative, democratic school environment but thrived in a highly structured boarding school. This wasn’t because I needed more discipline—it was because I needed the right kind of intellectual stimulation.

On the other hand, sometimes we might think a school is educating our child well because of its structure, but actual learning might not be taking place.

As a tutor on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, I witnessed how my bright, privileged students were crushed with anxiety under academic pressure and constant testing, as the school gave them four to five hours of homework a night in addition to their regular hours of classroom time and full schedule of afterschool activities. I wondered where all this extra studying and testing would lead them. It certainly didn’t seem that their understanding of the subject matter ran that deep. Did they even have time to get curious with all that homework and cramming for tests? Maybe it prepared them for an exclusive entry pass to the Ivy League, but what then?

As my mom put it, “You can make a child look like they’re learning with regimentation and authoritarianism, but that learning may not be useful for a life that feels satisfying.”

It’s clear to me as a teacher that children are on a wide spectrum when it comes to their ability to self-organize and their needs for structured and unstructured time. And those needs will likely change continually as they grow.

This is where homeschooling shines. It allows parents to tailor the learning environment to their child’s unique needs, whether that means more structure, more freedom, or a mix of both.

The Power of Modeling and Community

One of the most moving parts of our conversation was when my mom reflected on her own childhood. Despite growing up in a traumatic and neglectful environment, she found love and safety in school. Teachers became her lifeline, providing the emotional support she needed to thrive.

This underscores the importance of modeling and community in education. Whether it’s a parent, a teacher, or a mentor, children need adults who can show them what love and learning look like. And as my mom reminded me, “We can’t learn in a vacuum. It takes a network of support to help children grow.”

I’ve often observed that homeschooling isn’t learning at home - it’s learning in community. Homeschooling communities are some of the most extraordinary communities I’ve encountered - multi-generational, diverse and inclusive. People unite around a shared value of education, sharing resources, skills, childcare and support. They’re a shining example of what true community can be.

Learning as an Act of Love

At its core, education is about more than just acquiring knowledge. It’s about nurturing curiosity, fostering resilience, and building relationships. As my mom so beautifully put it, “Love is the fabric that connects us all.”

This Valentine’s season, I encourage you to think about the role of love in your own learning experience or in the lives of the children you care for. Whether you’re a parent, a teacher, or a lifelong learner, remember that the most powerful lessons often come from the heart.

If you’d like to hear more of our conversation, you can listen to the full interview here. And if you’re curious about homeschooling or want to explore how to create a more loving and effective learning environment, I’d love to hear from you.

Because at the end of the day, learning is love—and love is the greatest teacher of all.

With gratitude,
Manisha

P.S. What’s one way you’ve experienced love as a foundation for learning? Hit reply and let me know—I’d love to hear your story.

Let’s build a world where every child loves to learn.

If you’d like to be part of our movement to build a compassionate education system where every child loves to learn and has the support and resources to reach their full potential, considering becoming an investor in Modulo. You can learn more about our crowdfunding campaign here.